Texas Chili Contest

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
They actually have a chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town.
It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.
Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting
Texas from the East Coast:
"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The
original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be
standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the Budweiser truck,
when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans)
that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could
have free beer during the tasting, So I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 (Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili)

Judge # 1
A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2
Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild

Judge # 3 (Frank)
Holy sh--, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from
your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the
worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chili)

Judge # 1 --
Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 --
Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 --
Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to
taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the
Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my
face.

Chili # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili)

Judge # 1 --
Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 --
A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 --
Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been
snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I
ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part
of my chest. I'm getting sh ---faced from all of the beer.

Chili # 4 (Bubba's Black Magic)

Judge # 1 --
Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 --
Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods,
not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 --
I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it
possible to burn out tastebuds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me
with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT -- just like
this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 (Linda 's Legal Lip Remover)

Judge # 1 --
Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable
kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 --
Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne
peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 --
My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer
focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The
contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain
damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it
from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me
off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety)

Judge # 1 --
Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 --
The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge #3 --
My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I
sh-- myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No
one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be
kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass
with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili)

Judge # 1 --
A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 --
Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at
the last moment. I should make a note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He
appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 --
You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a
thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of
rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my
mouth. My pants are full of lava like sh-- to match my shirt. At least
during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop
breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I
need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


Reply for Punch line[hide]


Chili #8 (Just Plain Old Chili)

Judge # 1 --
The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy
enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 --
This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see
that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the
chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor
yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.[/hide]

[Preds]

This ones only so,so. I like the prgnant lady and microsoft jokes much more.